The ADHD Teen and Adult Guide to Finding Lost Items!

The ADHD Teen and Adult Guide to Finding Lost Items!

Preparation:

There are several things you need to do before looking.  If you are in a hurry these will really frustrate you but preparation is essential;

First, try to relax.  Of all the things in the world you can do, this is probably not your best thing.  But controlling anxiety is key because anxiety and ADHD together are unbearable and you will likely be insufferable.  Hopefully, your family knows you well and is supportive. Still calming yourself can prevent foolish insults, and barbs and damaging relations that may already be strained. Here are a few quick and easy shortcuts:

A) 4/4 Breathing. This is a 4 second breath inhale through your nose and a 4 second exhale out your mouth.  Repeat 30 times.  Okay you may lose count but a bunch of times not just a few.  Focus on everywhere the air touches the inside of your body.  Later, sessions with a therapist on relaxation exercises can help you get to a calm place faster.

B)  Relaxation Place 10, Try to recall the feeling of being someplace where you remember being really calm.  Thinks of 10 sensory details (that means sights, sounds smells, tastes) that remind you of that place.

 C) Do 5 -10 push-ups if steps A and B are too aggravating or go for a run. Sometimes you gotta burn off adrenaline before you can relax.  

Second, Accept that you are going to be late.  That means, communicate to someone what is happening so they can adapt their plans.  If you feel overly embarrassed repeat the relaxation steps above and avoid stinky thinking (3 below). The alternative is going without.  If it’s the keys you may need to ask for a ride, take the bus, call a cab or walk.

Third, Avoiding stinky thinking. Decide not to beat yourself up for being disorganized and losing things.  Avoid words like stupid and dumb and worse.  Those are not nice words to say to anyone even yourself.  Later you can figure out how to apologize to people for being late.  Now is not the time for that. Now is the time to start looking.

         The Search

            

A)    Retracing your Steps: An oldy but a goody, try retracing your steps from the last time you saw or remember having the lost item.  I know, I know, that’s boring advice and you have already done it.  But you will probably need to repeat this to fill in missing details and annoyingly someone else can probably help you think about details, if you let them instead of shouting “I know that” at everything they say.

B)    Check the common areas;

1. Under & In couches and chairs. 

2.Refrigerator (Lol, I know it’s silly, but you would be surprised how often having hands full leads to misplacing things, especially keys and wallets).

3.Pants pockets

4. Floor of cars that you have been in since you lost it.

5. Jackets, coats and vests (Someone might be wearing still them, no idea why but they might.)

6. Spouse or family member’s pockets or purses.  (Try to remember that they aren’t deliberately hiding it from you. They may be in the habit of picking up after you. Be respectful about asking before getting in other people's stuff).

7. Under the bed and blankets and in the sheets. (It happens!)

C)     Clean it till you find it. No luck yet? OK, this is a rule of thumb that usually works. Start doing laundry, folding clothes and sorting out drawers and piles.  These areas of disorganization are often trouble spots for ADHD and become collection spots.  Clean bed rooms cars, garages, TV Rooms, Rec Rooms.  If you get bored with this go back to retracing the steps as often as necessary.

D)    Some phones have search functions built in to their programming.  Use the computer to look this up,  if you have set this up already.  Some key rings also have gps search functions. If you don't have this done already, write a note to yourself to do this in the future. Put the note someplace visible and where you are effective at getting things done..., (okay. give it to a family member to help you with later.)

E)     Hope for a turn up!  Sometimes, things turn up unexpectedly.  You may be stuck waiting and hoping. Do something else for a while. “Stay Calm and Don’t Blink” (I had to get in a Dr. Who reference didn’t I?) Sometimes getting your mind off it allows your unconscious to work on a solution.  Don’t try this until you have tried the other options at least 1 time.

F)     Repeat A-D as often as necessary or say goodbye to lost item. Saying goodbye can be expensive so try to stay organized a little longer next time. Beating yourself up doesn’t help. Developing rituals to place your keys, wallets, phones a single place in each room can help. We can talk about routines to prevent losing things at a later time. 

Summer’s Last Coronation

The nearly melodic ringing,
        of wooden chimes,
chimes worn and tattered,
by past Winter’s grinds.

By the fire I linger,
buttoning coat and collar
enjoying the moment
watching ashes, spark and shower.

Observing the coronation,
of a nearby tree,
upturned leaves shimmer,
while Summer bends knee.

The tree is anointed,
a rising crown of white,
at the sun’s recession,
shines Summer’s last light.

The walnut grenades thunder
off of; roof , chair and ground,
burrowing divots into earth,
by squirrels to be found.

This night will not be quiet.
The chimes will not hang still,
for it is a breezy wind blowing,
heralding a noisy chill.

A wind that warns with its ringing,
  “Leaves, let go and fall,
your Summer’s reign is o’er,
it is time for Winter's Ball.”

“Yield to the equinox,
look for warmth from within.
Seal all doors and windows,
this cold…, may never end.”

The chimes are just a clanking bother now.
Dead embers lay black.
A turn up of my collar and rising
        It is time and season to go back.

Starting School with Serenity!

Back to Class!

The books are bought and the bags are loaded.  Labor day looms, while corn tassels still bloom and yet school has already begun.  I wonder who is ready?  The school doesn't seem quite ready. I spoke with a counselor the other day and 400 some new students were still trying to get a schedule.  The counselor I spoke with seemed a bit frazzled.   Well, I'm sure other parents are frazzled as well.

There is plenty of reason to worry about lots of things.  How will your child do this year?  Will he or she get the right teachers, the right classes or the right medication?  Will they find the way to the right classrooms and will they get along with their peers?  Parents can make themselves crazy thinking of all the things that will go wrong.  It is important to remember that old maxim, "you can only control what you do!"  So do what you can, review the rules with your kids, make sure they get to bed on time, check on homework each night and if anything comes up try and talk with your child and the teacher without getting into blaming and shaming.

The school will be sending things home for you to sign.  Try not to take the things they send home personally.  Some of them will appear to treat parents like they are idiots. You probably already know that your kids are responsible for their own homework but the school will remind you of that.  You probably know that they are responsible to get their homework in on time but they will tell you that anyway.  They have to do this to make sure that later if there is a question they can say, "we informed you of this at the beginning of the year."

There is a lesson here.  Start off the year with a clarity of expectations.  Remind your kids of the things they already know.  Don't take anything for granted. Later when your child turns in homework late you can take the phone away and not be arguing with them about whether they knew the rules or not.  It is always better to start of strict and ease up on the rules and expectations than it is to try to tighten them up later.

Control what is yours to control and seek serenity in accepting the things you cannot control.

Have a great school year!

Weeding out the problems

Growing a garden provides 'plenty' for your home.  If you grow a garden you can occasionally find it overrun with weeds.  This usually happens if the mosquitoes are bad, you've been on vacation, or it has been exceptionally humid.  This year the weather has been pleasant and I have managed to keep up nicely.

Kid's on the other can get out of control for any number of reasons. Maybe you've been distracted by work or just tuning out while they play too many video games.  Sometimes its because of relationship discord and splitting with your partner.  Sometimes its negative peer influence.  That can creep into your home like cockleburrs into your garden.  Once its infested it is tough to root out. Whatever the reason your kids are acting up they can get to that point where the rules aren't working anymore.  Like your garden it can be overwhelming trying to get back to parenting again.

When I am reclaiming my garden. I can say "I'm gonna go clean that garden top to bottom," the reality is that energy doesn't last long.  Usually, I do better if I pick a section and just work a little bit. Maybe the buttonweed needs to get cleaned out of the beans. Once, I am started it usually goes fairly well and I do a little bit more than I planned.  The main thing is that I have gotten started. The hard part of weeding is pulling the weeds and making sure you don't pull the plant with it.  If you try to work to fast or grab too many weeds at once you end up damaging your plants.

It's the same with kids.  Pick a behavior and focus on that.  Try to eliminate all the negative behaviors at once and you will end up making the kid feel like you just want to get rid of them.

Like weeding you still want to nourish the plant and cherish the produce.
I'll let you finish the metaphor.

If you are worried about Summer Camp!

Time for Summer Camp.

You may have spent March, April and May trying to figure out what your kids will do this summer.  By now they may be signed up for a plethora of camps.  Band camp, scout camp, church camp are just a few camps that parents send their kids to for the summer. You can spend a lot of time watching the weather channel trying to figure out what is the best chance to send him or her for camp.  Will the pollen count be too high or will it rain non stop?  Who is the best counselor to put them in with? How many can's of bug spray will they need.? The list of worries goes on and on.

Congratulations! If  you found yourself worrying about all these things and more, then you are probably a pretty good parent.  That being said, stop it!  Just stop, OK?  Let us simplify things just a bit.  Start with the basics.

1) It's almost July.  If they don' go to camp they will end up spending the next two months playing video games and probably getting grumpier and grumpier.  Then, if they haven't already, they will drown you in a chorus of "I'm bored."  So they need camp (If you aren't sending them to camp please check out the column from last year on "Fun Free Activities"). 
2) Most camps now have websites and can give you a list of what to bring and not to bring.
3) You can't control the weather.  If the weather service is predicting a 'torrential hurricaines, downpours and flash flooding' all week long you can go ahead and cancel and eat the loss of deposit.  Otherwise, pack some rain gear, a couple of good books an extra set of batteries and hope for the best.  Any competant camp counselor will be able to find fun safe activities to keep them busy on a rainy week... expect them to come home and tell you about playing wink em or murder (it's a game not a crime!)
4) Water bottles and sun lotion are good and gameboys, i pads and other electronic gizmos are bad! (unless, you sent them to gaming camp...occasionally confirmation camps do something like this to try to engage the kids....I know, but you gotta do what you gotta do!)
5) Don't send snacks unless you send for everybody in the entire camp.  Why people choose to ignore this is beyond me. It has got to be some sort of Maslow-ian security issue that hasn't been resolved by the parent.
6) If you are worried about missing them write them a letter in advance so they can get it the  second day of camp.

There is a ton more advice but the biggest is this.  If you have confidence that they can handle camp that gives them confidence that they can.  If you are anxious and fearful, that will make them anxious and fearful.  So reach for  your bag of self reassuring statements and remind yourself that you have given them the tools they need to make friends and handle new situations.  If you haven't, camp is a good place to start.

Medication Holiday's for the ADHD Child???

Parents often ask about summer vacation and stopping medication during the summer.  That question is always tricky.  I recently saw a statistic (sorry, I cannot remember where, I will keep looking and update when I find it.) that indicated that ADHD kids who go on medication holidays have a high rate of emergency room visits due to burns. That is always the concern with medication holidays.  Impulsive kids need to be monitored when they are off their medication.  They need to be monitored more closely than other kids particularly in the summer.  The medication is not just there to make them behave in the classroom.  It is there to help them keep their bodies under control.  Yes, the medication does have concerning side effects and it is nice when we can give them a break but the summer is full of danger and lets face it, you want to let them run without yelling at them constantly.  So if you and your Doctor decide to give them a medication holiday, make sure you increasing the structure and monitoring when you do.

Medication Holidays for the ADHD child
We desire to let them be
We want to let them run
We want to set them free.
To let their body's grow
To give their hearts a rest.
The years been long and hard
and they probably did do their best.

Just remember that the disorder isn't gone
because the books are put away.
The impulses still run rampant
and it's a long summer day.

It is not just fire,
that fascinates the child
and lurks and lures his whims.
A summer without supervision
can become quite grim.

It is firecrackers and older kids
whom he must impress.
It is  bicycles and the neighborhood teen
that drive just a little too fast..
It is all the fun you've ever thought of
and all the fun you didn't.
when you were just a child.
Now that is what I call risk!

So take some time to consider
all the pro's and con's.
Take the time to reconnoiter
What's beyond the closest pond.

Enjoy the heat of summer
Enjoy the rest from school
Enjoy the confidence of supervision
and rest when summers through.

Spring Fever

Spring fever can make fools of anyone. Don't let it make a fool of you as a parent.

I was driving to the high school the other  day and passed the car wash.  I watched a father vacuuming his car, oblivious to his 4 year old daughter playing in the street gutter on Hwy 14.  I stopped at Hy Vee on the way home.  When I came out of the store I watched a family cross the parking lot.  They must have come out the wrong door.  They cut through the parked cars and across 4 lanes... in progression; father, mother,  aunt, oldest kid, middle kid and a full car lane later came the youngest, maybe age 6.  No one thought to hold his hand and not one of them looked back to see if he was okay.  It made me sad.

Please, grandparents and aunts and uncles and parents, please teach your kids three things in parking lots. First, teach them to hold hands. Second,  teach them to look at the car windows and see the steering wheel and if anyone is behind it.  Third, teach them about back up lights. While you are at it, teach them to jump stop at corners and intersections or whenever they cross the yellow line.  Teach them to look both ways before crossing a street. Then check to see if they actually do it.  Don't just turn them loose but teach, monitor,  reteach and consequence, repeat. If they can't do it on their own, don't let them.

Spring Cleaning

Trying to get kids to clean is always difficult.  We always recommend establishing a routine, providing positive reinforcement, and working with your kids so they feel connected as a family and not like a servant.  Breaking tasks up into smaller pieces.  Sometimes chore charts help. Whatever you do, try to keep it fun and not let it become a battle.  These discussions always make me think how much things have changed...

 "While you're there..."  My mother would begin to say.  These are the words that would always  make me cringe.  They were words associated with taking a routine cleaning task and making it into an in depth cleaning task. It didn't really matter what the routine task was originally, the add on task was often cleaning a window or vacuuming out an air vent.  As near as I could tell, the only requirement of "While you're there..." was that I be in the general vicinity of the 'add-on' task. Dusting the television top would soon become, "let's move the TV, dust behind it and you might as well clean that window while you're there."   I recall one time when  I was asked to take out the garbage. What followed was "While you're there, you can help your father in the garden."   My hopes for spending the afternoon watching the "Wide World of Sports" died on the spot. So much for not exasperating your children. Though a careful reading of that rule apparently applies to fathers, not mothers...go figure?

My mother wasn't an expert cleaner, though she seemed determined to make me one.  She was however, excellent at organizing.  She could organize all of my siblings, my father (no easy task there!), do in depth cleaning herself, find time to inspect our work and with impeccable timing, always sense when we were about to say good enough and interrupt it with "While you are there".   This was a process we repeated every Saturday.  Saturday's became a symphony that began with a fairly simple chore and progressed into a chorus of "While you are there's  accompanied by the 8 track recording of Henri Mancini's "Baby Elephant Walk" and resolving into Harper Valley PTA or Leapin Lee's "Little Arrows."    Around 5 pm or so the symphony would decrescendo into a routine of showers and supper  accompanied by Lawrence Welk, Wild Kingdom and climatically finish with Hee Haw.  I was never quite sure how cleaning always ended up being bed time but it always did.

A common difficulty for parents of kids with ADHD is to help their kids stay on task.  There are a few simple rules but the reality is that it is hard work for the parents to help ADHD kids develop self esteem and pride in their cleaning and organizing skills.   One piece of advice is to break the task down into simple steps.  A second piece of advice is to recognize that ADHD kids can get obsessed with minutiae that is interesting to them such as lining up their matchbox cars and then lose interest in cleaning by the time they get to picking up their laundry.  "But Mom I've been cleaning for hours" they will say, and the inevitable response follows,  "No you have been playing for hours."   Let's face it, you need to help them organize the task so they work big to little. Start with three big tasks 1) pick up all the clothes off the floor in your room, on the closet floor and under your bed and put them in the laundry.   2) Make your bed.   3) Put all the toys that are out into a box.  Once that is done  you can then start putting the toys away and organize them as much as  you want.

A Child's Winter

A covering blanket
unmarred by hand
before the turn of blade,
the new fallen snow
grants reprieve from
muddy ground and
frozen earth

Silently, wind blown flakes collect,
to our homes we scatter.
A perilous winter's trek
for those of weakened bone,
and blessing sweet for those who learn
and those whose yearning is relief.

Over the night and course of day,
The white adorns the hills and trees.
A beckoning call to
all the boards and sleds
and bindings that fit one's feet.

A parents love
willingly given
can bless a messy hearth
Adorning hope upon the child
who just cannot...seem to mind
Blanketing shame of thoughtless deed
and forgiving broken vase.

Over the night and course of day
Let peace adorn the child
withholding curse and critique
that  your lips so often blather.
With smiling eyes, no wint'ry looks
to blast or bury further.

Over the night and course of day
Let the blizzard  flurry
Let each unique flake of love descend
like new fallen snow  to gather.
For those who learn and
those who yearn and
those who seek reprieve,
like midnight snow
fall the love
to pile a blessing
oh so sweet.

Time to Eliminate the Negatives

Happy New Year!.

Have you ever met someone and knew that they were someone that brought you down? Most of us have met someone like this.   They may be charming on meeting.  They may be humorous or thought provoking.  Initially, you may tell yourself that they are worth getting to know better.  However, each time you talk with them you leave them  feeling a little bit worse and you have trouble figuring out just why it is so.  How did they slight you?  Was it something they said about your appearance? Did they tell racially charged or demeaning jokes? Did they disagree with you? Did they make you look bad in front of others. Did they put down someone or something you care about?  There is a chance you may not be able to identify what they did.  Worse yet, you can identify what they did and revealed something about yourself you didn't want to think about. 

First things first.  The goal of a crises is to get out of the crises.  If you ever wake up and smell smoke and find the house is on fire...(May the Lord forbid this happen to you!)... you don't grab your cell phone and call an architect to start designing a new house.  You don't!  Well, if you find yourself talking to someone and they are getting their needles in under your skin.  Don't stop to contemplate the meaning of why these barbs hurt you.  Just excuse yourself and go as quickly as you can.  

Once you are away, quickly write down what they said and seal it in an envelope.  On the outside of the envelope write down "After further consideration!"  Then, put the thing in a vault someplace and put it out of your mind.  Go for a walk or read a book.  Later, if you are not able to get it out of your head... it may be time to address what it was that upset you. If you have collected several of these envelopes from contact with the same person write the name on the outside and bind them together.  It will be important to figure out what they are doing and how they have identified a sore spot they can exploit.  If you have collected several of these envelopes from several different people its also time to get help.

Maybe, you are overreacting, chances are you are not.  Usually, when I see this, I find that the concern is legitimate and it doesn't take long to sort things out.   Developing the skills to stop this person from harming you can be very uplifting and raise your confidence and wouldn't that feel nice? 

Whenever you are ready, help is here! 

Video Game Violence Upgrade!

An upgrade to my blog is underway.

Nope it's not a computer upgrade.

It's a learning upgrade.  I am very excited by an article (2012)* by Willoughby, Adachi and Good, that studies associations between Video Game Violence and Aggression.   This looks to be a very important study that puts to rest a number of complaints about research in this area.

Unfortunately, it is stretching me to understand their methodology so while I am eager to talk about their research  and compare it to others, I have to go back and refresh my understanding of "Latent Growth Curve Modeling." Sounds fun doesn't it? I am so excited to read it I have cleared 20 other equally highly stimulating tasks off my list to make way for it (e.g., cleaning attic windows, studying the Book of Numbers, and learning about the mating habits of cockroaches to name a few).

If you recall, in the last article I discussed that there isn't really a good ethical way to study causality of violence in children and adolescents.  I gave the example of sticking a hand in a toaster to see if it causes burning.  It would be wrong to experiment this way with children.  It also would be wrong to make children play violent video games over long periods of time, if you think it may cause them to be violent.

The answer is longitudinal studies. Instead of telling 30+ children to stick their hands in toasters, you instead observe 300+ children to see how many stick their hands in toasters over time and then compare the outcomes between the kids that were able to restrain the impulse of sticking hands in toasters and those that couldn't restrain themselves. (My apologies to every impulsive child out there who has ever stuck their hand in a toaster for using this example!) Willoughby, Adachi and Good have done longitudinal research over 4 years on video game violence and aggression among adolescents.  It is a good read.  I still wish you could learn about this by playing an educational video game...oh well.

So whilst I go back and finish my upgrade, have fun Christmas shopping and try to pick educational and social video games instead of violent ones for your kids because it looks like there may be due cause to be concerned that video games cause violence.

*Willoughby, Adachi, and Good. (2012) "A Longitudinal Study of the Association Between Violent Video Game Play and Aggression Among Adolescents." Developmental Psychology. Vol 48, No. 4, 1044-1057.

Video Games and Children (part 1)

There is a ton of research out on the effects of video games and children.  Frankly, reading this sort of research bores me to death.  I wish they had a video game app that explained the effects.  One author caught my attention.  Agne Suziedelyte has written a working paper entitled "Can Video Games Affect Children's Cognitive and Non-cognitive Skills."*   I had hoped I could breeze through it and give a quick summary here.  That is not so likely! She has managed to complicate the thing in a rather serious effort.

 In fact, I have been reading this article and then rereading it. There are a couple of reasons this merits attention.  The first reason relates to the broad claim that "There is no evidence that video game playing increases aggressiveness in children." (pg. 3) In general such broad statements should be taken with a grain of salt.  This is research speak and can be unintentionally misleading.  This sort of statement usually means that the research that has been done is correlational. Correlational means there is a connection but it hasn't proven which causes the other. It's kind of a chicken and egg which came first sort of thing. A statement like this one, can make it sound that there is no relationship between violence and video games. That seems unlikely.   Bushman, B. and Anderson C. wrote in 2002 (*2) that "players who had prior experience playing violent video games responded with an increased level of aggression when they encountered confrontation."

The question is, why would anyone make a broad claim that "there is no evidence of video games increasing violence?"  Well, it just means that researchers need to do a lot more work to really understand the impact video games do have.  That is a warning to us all.  These video games are common and there is a lot of peer pressure out there to buy the lastest offering from Playcenter Five, or to buy the new best Murderer's Creed edition. ( Please excuse the made up names!) That doesn't mean that the games are safe. There is also no evidence that sticking your hand in a toaster causes redness.  We do know that burning yourself causes redness.  I just don't believe that anyone has actually selected a sample of children and a control group to study sticking hands into toasters.  That would be cruel.

The second reason for looking closely at this paper is because this paper comes out of the School of Economics and not the Psychology Department.  I don't know what prompted this Doctoral Student in economics to study video game violence.  The more I dig in to this article, the more I respect the rigor of her methods. It does make sense for this to be an economics study.  You can bet that video games are big business. Forbes magazine(*3) quotes DFC Intelligence (a research firm) as estimating that the "worldwide video game industry will reach 70.1 billion dollars by 2015." Do you think that big business might like to have some research saying there is no proven causality between video games and violence  or that there are positive impacts of video games?

 I'm not suggesting any sort of evil conspiracy.  I am just saying that 70.1 billion dollars is a lot of money.  It wouldn't be surprising if someone who makes their income slicing their piece of the (video game) pie might want to protect that income from research  that would hinder sales. Research that suggested that video games cause children to be more violent could be problematic.

The bottom line is this.  Before you fork out 40$ a game  for Christmas gifts for your kids, take time to ask yourself if you will really monitor their use and play?  Will you really set and follow through with limits? If you will, okay maybe this gift is right for you and your family.  If you won't, I would recommend Santa and his elves should find something else to put under the Christmas tree.

 *Suziedelyte, Agnes. Australian School of Business Research Paper No. 2012 ECON37,  reprinted from the Social Science Research Network Electronic Paper Collection:  http://ssm.com/abstract=2140983)

 *2 Bushman, B. and Anderson C.(2002). Violent Video Games and Hostile Expectations: A Test of the General Aggression Model. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28, 1679-1686

*3 Rishe, Patrick. Trends-in-the-Multi-Billion Dollar Video Game Industry: QA With Gaming Champ Fatality, Forbes, 12/23/2011.

Help Needed:Video Game update Pre-Christmas Shopping

I heard a parent recently tell me that video games were bad for kids.  At least that is what they were told by a therapist.  That comment is too general for my taste.  In my experience, it has more to do with the supervision of the type of video game, the amount of time playing video games, and whether the child has other outside activities and behaviors.  Common sense tends to prevail on these sorts of things.  

1) Here is a suggestion no one bothers to heed:  Don't put the video games in bedrooms. Get them out where you can see what they are playing and doing. 

2) Do use learning and problem solving software. Unfortunately my repertoire of these is sadly out of date. 

Please help me update this by posting a comment below.  Here are my favorites from days of yore. 

a) Freddie Fish

b) Kid's Chess

c) Pajama Sam

d) Sponge Bob typing.

e) Mavis Bacon typing.

f) Rosetta Stone Language Software

g) Nancy Drew 

h) Google Sketch-up

3) Please limit time on computers and video games. 

4) Please closely monitor any online gaming activity.

I will be doing some research and trying to summarize it in human terms. 

Please, please help me update current learning and problem solving software.

Scott

Ewoks, Halloween Candy and Post Halloween Fears

My folks didn't let us watch much in the way of scary movies around Halloween   It always seemed like bedtime came really early in October. I wonder if my folks didn't move the clocks ahead of Daylight Savings time, just so we wouldn't see all the scary movies we were missing..  We got to go trick or treating.  We got to carve pumpkins and have Halloween parties.  Unfortunately, without the scary stuff Halloween became an exercise in gross food.  The scariest thing that happened most Halloweens was hearing horror stories about hooks in somebody 's Halloween cookie or caramel apple.

Developmentally, children work through and develop anger around 2-3 and fears around 4-5.  Though I beg you to forgive the gross oversimplification here. Please be attuned to your kids sleep habits following Halloween   Parents usually say their kids don't have nightmares.  Their kid's will then draw me pictures in elaborate detail describing their nightmares to me. The parents are often stunned.

We work with fear through play and repetition. Halloween is a kind of play where we have the opportunity to face our fears. Most kids have a lot of fun dressing up in costumes.  A little bit of role playing adventure is  also good to overcome fears. Sometimes it is spontaneous. When I was doing observations at HeadStart, the kids would express their fears on the playground.  Sometimes a child or a group of children would suddenly start yelling and chasing me.  Sometimes, I would be arrested by a mob of 20-30 three foot tall policeman.  Some days, I would be captured by 20-30  three foot tall monsters. It was a lot like the scene with the Ewoks from "The Return of the Jedi."  It was a lot of work making sure I didn't fall on one of the cute little fur balls. 

The Grimm's fairy tales were also a good way to work through fears.  I don't remember where, but I read one time that modern day, politically correct, disney-esque versions of  these tales actually caused more nightmares.  If I remember correctly, the original tales (which resulted in the death of the villain and were therefore considered more violent), actually were more resolved in children's minds and caused less anxiety. The more politically correct version where the villain saw the error of their ways were next best  and caused some anxiety among children who feared that the villains changed and would change back.  Children are very concrete and don't trust this type of change. The most anxiety provoking were the stories that the villain was run off and never seen again.  Apparently, never seen again is less reassuring than dead. So if you like to tell scary makeup stories with your kids.  Kill the bad guy.  They will sleep better.  Please don't let young children watch Freddie, Jason, Jack or Snakes on Planes.

Oh and one more thing.  If you kids are having trouble after Halloween give me a call 641-753-0440.  Dealing with fears is one of the things I do best.  I think it may come from having older siblings.  Older siblings are never quite as cautious as their parents, about the stories they tell their younger siblings.  

Keep your EVERYTHING to your self!

I was sitting at a football game recently and heard a couple of  parents conversing with their children.  The parents were doing a nice job of  separating and calmly dealing with their kids but one thing they said really tickled my funny bone. It also made me remember a lot of car trips with my own kids. These dialogues(by list) are a synthesis of some of those trips. I write this so you know; it's not just you.

 Things kids say in cars

5. How long till we get there?

4. I'm hungry

3. I have to go to the bathroom

2. I don't feel good

1. Mom he's touching me.

Things parents say in cars

5. About 15 minutes

4. We just ate!

3. Can you hold it?

2. Honey, you BETTER pull over

1. Keep your hands to yourself

15 minutes later

Other things kids say in car 

5. How long till we get there?

4. It smells in here

3. I have to go to the bathroom

2. My stomach hurts

1. Mom, he's touching me.

Other things parents say in cars

5. About 15 minutes

4. Open the windows

3. Again????

2. HONEY STOP THE CAR...NOW

1. Keep your feet to yourself. 

15 minutes later

5. How long till we get there

Everyone replies:

 ABOUT 15 MINUTES

4. I have to go to the bathroom

Everyone replies:

AGAIN?

3. My stomach hurts

Everyone replies:

DAD STOP THE CAR!

2. Open the windows

1. Mom, he's touching me

Everyone:

"KEEP YOUR EVERYTHING TO YOURSELF"

 I recently read an article about building resilience in children. It was pretty boring.  No, not re-silence in children. This article is not about ways to shut them up. Resilience.  Yes, yes, I know, resilience is one of those words  psychologists use  that take a reasonably interesting subject and suck the life out of it. In a nutshell, (have you ever noticed that when you try to summarize something psychologists say you always end up having to use the phrase; "in a nutshell?"  I think that says something about psychologists.) resilience is the ability to bounce back from something stressful. Like a Weeble.  Do you remember Weebles?   You know; "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down."  That is resilience.

We need to be resilient or once something bad happens, we would just collapse. Get a bad grade? Don't bother with even trying to study anymore.  Have an argument with a spouse?  Don't bother getting out of bed. Sounds a bit like avoidance and a lot like what happens when people get depressed.  Fortunately, most of us take time to lick our wounds when something bad happens, but then we get back up and get back at it. That's resilience. We can "try and try again."

ADHD kids are very resilient.  One minute they are getting scolded and the next minute they are up and back doing the same behavior. Resilience is both a blessing and a curse for them. When there isn't a consolidation of learning from the life setback...the pattern is just repeated.  We all do this sometimes.  Kids with ADHD do it over and over again.  To the point of exasperating their parents.  This has a very unfortunate consequence.  Parents would like to be able to tell their kids something once and move on. Do you remember that old shaming statement? "Fool me once shame on  you, fool me twice shame on me."   In other words, we must learn things the first time or we are fools.  What a load of judgmental crap!

 Folks, if you have children with ADHD  you are going to have to use repetition to overcome their ADHD.  No, absolutely, do not try to get first time obedience. I know it would make your life easier.  But you have got to think it through.  If you crush their resilience you will be left with a child that can't bounce back and still can't stop doing the impulsive, hyperactive and inattentive things they do.  They won't learn.  The child just won't have any joy in them at all. Instead of a Weeble you will have an egg.  Same basic size and shape.  Same basic properties.

Just remember..., eggs break!

Gentle Hands & Angry Hands

 When I work with kids on anger, we often spend time talking about about hands.  For young children we talk all the things we can do with hands: pick up a spoon, throw a ball, count our fingers and play with a toy.  We talk about open hands and shaking hands.  We talk about using hammers and tools for our working hands.  We talk about strong hands for lifting and carrying.  We talk closed fists and angry hands.  We talk about kind and gentle hands.

We talk about choices.  It is important to discuss the right time to use our strong hands. We talk about walking with hands in our pockets in the store so we don't touch things that are not our own.  We do not run with our hands in our pockets because we need our hands to protect us when we fall (I made up a silly song for the Head Start Preschool kids for that part).  We talk about when to use a comforting hand with a friend.  We talked about using our strong hands for work but choosing to use our words instead of our fists when we are angry. 

There is a psychological test called the Hand Test (Wagner, E.E., The Hand Test Manual for Administration, Interpretation and Scoring, Los Angeles: Western Psychological Services, 1962)  that involves rating and evaluating peoples response to hands in various positions as a means to attempt to predict aggressive behaviors. The use of hands in different position got me thinking about  our hands and how we use them.  That thought would have probably laid dormant if I hadn't been leisure reading a Louis L'Amour novel at the time. I don't recall which one.  The character in the story discussed that the 'hand shake' was performed with the right hand and was a reassuring gesture because it showed that the sword hand was empty. I don't know what Louis thought about being left handed. However,  it got me thinking about what we say with our hands. It got me thinking about what my parents said to me with their hands.

When I was very young I often sat in my father's lap and played with his thumbs while he talked. 

His hands were furry, more than most.  His fingers were long and squarely tipped.  I would play "Church and Steeple" and twiddle his thumbs round and about.  "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, whoops Johnny, whoops Johnny" was another favorite game.  Once my father got his thumb stuck in the cup holder in the pew at church.  I was probably playing with it at the time. He was very embarrassed by that.   He had rough callouses on his palms from working in the garden or his shop.  His hands were gentle and rarely spanked. My sisters may remember that differently. I was one of the younger kids in a large family.  His hands were strong he could hold onto most anything he could grab onto.  He wasn't a tall or big man and the strength in his hands always surprised me. He told me once that when he was young he had a habit of chewing his nails and if I think on it, I can remember him doing that once in awhile but not on a regular basis. In later years he had quite a tremor and it disturbed me to watch his hands fumble and struggle.  

My mothers hands were smooth and long. Larry Wilkins once came up to me after recess and told me that my mother had the longest finger he had ever seen.  My mother was a teacher and had recess duty and Larry was ...well Larry, so I am quite sure he was on the wrong end of her pointing finger.  My mother would sit in the middle of the pew and if any of us kids were misbehaving we would soon feel a knuckle thunk us in the side of the head (NOT A RECOMMENDED PARENTING TECHNIQUE).  With 6 kids it kept us in line. I also remember my Mother's hands kneading bread on the kitchen counter and sewing up britches on the couch. I remember her teaching me to follow the words in a book with my finger so I could look at the pictures and not loose my place. I remember her teaching my sisters cross stitch and knitting.  I remember her carrying a coffee cup wherever she went.  Mostly I remember her goodbye touch on my face before she died. 

Hands can say almost anything.  What will your children remember about your hands?

Watermelon: Don't Break the Ice Game

As a parent, you probably know that when your kids have friends over, the friends will likely be fascinated by some toy or video game that your child has and they don't. Your child will probably be bored playing with the game they have become accustomed to using everyday.  You might have to coach your child to play the same old game with their friends a few times, even though your child really doesn't want to do that. Teaching your child to delay gratification and take turns is good parenting.  You might have to step in if the friend becomes fixated with a particular toy even after an appropriate amount of time has passed by. You might set a time limit or number of times they play one game. Another suggestion is breaking for a snack and then redirecting them to play outside for awhile.

Here is a fun food activity for a  party or group of kids.  It is based on the  "Don't Break the Ice" game  made by Hasbro.

1) Using a watermelon, slice it in half the long way down its axis.

2) Now continue making 2 to 3 inch slices down the long axis of each half.
 The rhine of each slice will be continuous AND UNCUT with one side more narrow than the other.

3) Place the narrow side face down on a cutting board.
 Keeping your knife point toward the center of the watermelon slice, carefully cut the interior of each section into 2-3 inch blocks.  The blocks always need to be more narrow at the bottom then the top so they don't fall out prematurely.

4) Set the watermelon slices carefully up on 4 short plastic cups located around the perimeter of the watermelon and on top of a flat baking tray  to catch the mess when the "watermelon ice" gets broken.

5) Each child may now take a turn with a fork, trying to pluck out a watermelon block without crashing the rest of the watermelon into the baking tray.

Games People Play

"Oh the things people say, Lord!
Every night and every day, Lord!
Never meaning what they say, Lord!
Never saying what they mean. "

Great bit of lyrics that! Sunday, Pastor Gregg reminded the children (and all the adults, don't tell anyone the children sermon is good for them too, shhhh!) that words are hurtful.  Even though we teach them things like;"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me."  Words can hurt.  Words can make things worse.   We teach them to say a lot of things that aren't really true. We teach them to say things like; "every time you point a finger at me you have 4 pointing back at you,"  and "it takes one to know one."    Giving them something to say instead of feeling defeated when someone calls them a name helps, sort of. We call it externalizing defenses.  It would be better if we lived in a world where we didn't have to learn to externalize defenses.  It is part of growing up.

It's true that we need to teach them not to point.  We also need to teach them not to call names.  Lets face it, sometimes the world is not nice place for children. So we try to make the world a better place. We teach social skills to help our kids handle these difficulties. We try to teach them to distract the friend that is being mean, into going and playing a game.  That's hard to do.  If someone is mean to you, do you feel like inviting them to go do something...together? It sounds like this; "I don't feel like arguing, that's boring...do you want to go play 4 square?" Sounds crazy but it usually works.  We even teach them that the mean kid calling them names is to be called "friend?" Yep, we really do! Mostly, we teach kids that words can defuse situations and make friends out of enemies.

 It is the right thing to do!

What do you think?

If your child seems to have his or her mouth set to automatic arguing and the safety is off, you're probably feeling pretty annoyed.  There is a distinctive sound that the automatic arguer makes that is clearly identifiable and lets you know, you are under fire. It is highly repetitive and staccato sounding.

But, but, but..., 

You may want to wait for the clip to run out before attempting a counter attack, or... you could change your tactic.  If  using "No if's, and's or but's," hasn't worked, you might try asking them to pick which of the arguments they just presented actually made sense. You might go back to doing time outs for arguing. You might try thanking them for their opinion but that you have already made up your mind.  You could remind them that not every argument is a good one.  You could even suggest that if the next word out of their mouth is a "but," you will ground them from electronic toys for a week until they learn a respectful way to disagree. You might start limiting them to 3 arguments a day. Put an empty tennis ball container on the kitchen counter. and give them the three balls that go in it.  Tell them they have to give you a ball if they are going to argue.  Once the jar is full, then they can review which of their arguments they want to take back.  Conversely, they can take the tennis balls and go argue with a wall. Maybe they will get good at tennis and can argue with the umpire, who knows?

The most important thing you can do is catch them making a good argument. Tell them, "okay, that was a good argument."  Ask them their opinion about something and then value it. That is to say, make their opinion a valued thing when it is requested.  

Those are some ideas..., what do you think?