Ages, Stages, Permissions and NO!

Earrings, cellphones, first dates and tattoos.  
Skateboards and minibikes, motorbikes too.
Just friends, nose rings , girlfriends and going steady.
Mohawks, blue and green hair, boyfriends a plenty. 


Facebook and Wii, Play station 3, Twitter with 4 square... cool.
Eye liner, eye shadow, eyebrow plucking, lip stick and rouge.   
Hanging out, overnight, shopping malls,  and dances 
and for some clubbing and fake driver license chances .

That's a lot of parental decisions.
For some that's a lot of no's.
For some that's a lot of yes's.

Here is a quick self assessment.
Do you say yes because you don't be the one to say no?
Do you say yes because  you feel guilty?
Do you say no because your parents did?
Do you say no because it just seems wrong?
Do you say yes because you don't want to disappoint the kid?
Do you say yes because all the other kids get to do it?
Do you say no because you don't want him angry?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may want some help in looking at the decisions you are making. The question for some of these decisions probably isn't  yes or no.  The question is when?
At some point  they will make the decisions about how they look and what they do! If you always say no, they will stop asking.  But you need to say no to protect you child so they aren't spoiled or injured. "NO, you may not drop the microwave on the freeway!"  At some point  decisions need to stand because it is wrong not because it seems wrong.  You want to help them grow up.  If there isn't any dialogue they won't learn.  So you are  going to have argument's and they are going to accuse you of hating them.  That's all part of the process. Trust takes time.  Learning to trust them takes time.  It's not often much fun.  Frankly, I blame smurfs for blue hair.

I will spend some time on developmental ages next week.  Please let me know, what was the hardest age permission issue for you to decide? What was the easiest?

Light Bicycles and Heavy Hearts!

Today's blog isn't really about me even though it starts that way.

 I used to tear around Nora Springs on my bicycle.  I loved my bicycle.  As a hand me down, it was heavy.  So heavy, I never won a race against anything that wasn't a tricycle. On foot, I was as fast as anybody in a distance race and most people in a sprint.  Even though it was slow and didn't have any gears, I loved that bike. It was the measure of freedom for me.  When you live on a street where some 33 teachers lived at one point and your parents are teachers, it can be a bit stifling.  My bicycle was freedom.  From the buffalo farm and pool on the east end to Walkers on the west end I would freely ride.  From the city dam to Boulder  park, I would race.  Freedom, there is no other feeling like it.


The other day I drove up the street, here in Marshalltown, and nearly hit a child on a bicycle.  He came off the sidewalk and tore in front of me. He only stopped at the sound of my tires.  His friend came ripping onto the street from a different direction.  Clearly, they were racing.  Clearly, they were taking shortcuts.  Clearly, it could have been me when I was a kid. 


I can't tell you how sad it made me.  


Life is precious.  Life is full of misfortune. When my wife was a child, she and her sisters went swimming in the Mississippi river, unbeknownst to her parents. We all do silly things at times. It is easy to judge others.  Please resist the temptation to condemn.  Instead please pray a prayer of blessing on those unprotected areas of our towns that provide unsupervised entertainment and refreshment.  Please pray for those public and private workers who provide supervision to children.


Please, lift your hearts in prayer for the safety of all children this summer. 

A word about advertising & sponsorship

I would like to welcome my sponsors, but I can't. That is not negative about them it's just facts. That's because even though they advertise here, according to the contract with Google Ads, they only pay if their link gets clicked. I cannot encourage you to click on their links.   Facebook users are smart enough not to automatically click anyway. That said, I do like the look of most of the type of ads popping up on my blog.  Family and Parenting themes seem to be prevalent and seem to naturally belong here.  But I want you to know I can't claim them  as sponsors or recommend them to you.

Scott

Habits, Nuns and "It's the thing you do, before the thing that you do!"

 "If you want to change a habit be a nun," or so the old joke goes.  Changing a behavioral habit is hard. I don't remember where I learned that it took about 22 days to change a behavior. That number is highly variable. It is somewhat based on how entrenched the behavior is, and how motivated you are to change it.  Some things take much longer.  There are lots of behaviors that parents want their kids to change.  Parents frequently want their kids to stop whining (see previous post 6/12/2012) or give up sucking a thumb or chewing nails.  Sometimes, adults have trouble remembering to take medications or where they put their keys.  So they want to start a new behavior, like putting the keys in a certain place.

It helps, if you figure out that thing that you do...before the thing that you do. You've got to structure for yourself or your child, when the new behavior will happen. For instance if it is taking medication at a meal, its important to get the medication on the table before you start eating.  If it's remembering where you put your keys, its important to roll back the clock.   Before you sit down or change clothing...before you even think about anything else..., hang them up  wherever you are supposed to keep them. It's about that thing that you do, before the thing that you do.

Just remember it will take at least 22 days to make it a habit.  Be patient with yourself. Don't slide into criticism, be encouraging (see post from 6/14/12 on self esteem).  You probably are going to forget the new behavior for a while. You will have to start your count over.  Keep at it. You can do it.  Just remember, if the nun doesn't put on her habit before she talks to the priest, that would not be so good. If you don't remember to do that thing you do, before the thing that you do, learning that new habit probably isn't going to be so very good.

Simba , itunes, and Self Esteem?

"Simba, you are more than what you have become.  You are my son and the one true king.  You must take your place in the circle of life."  

What a great line, delivered by the fantastically impressive voice of James Earl Jones, in the Disney Movie "The Lion King."   Talk about your self esteem builders.  I wish on every parent the ability to imitate his voice saying that.  In an age where children are given ipods, cellphones and itunes,  you would think that self esteem would be rampant.  There is nothing wrong with these devices, by the way.  This isn't a critique of them.  Just a gentle reminder that the possession of music, photos and apps are not self esteem. Being gifted them, can indeed give a message of love and value.  Facebook friends and tweets and social networking can help promote a sense of belonging.  Somewhere in there needs to be a sense of purpose.  A sense of a role in the caring for one another.   

Jean Illsey-Clarke, author of the book, "Self Esteem: A Family Affair" (1998, Hazelden), writes that parents, in the many tasks they perform, are serving at least two basic functions. The first is nurturing and the second she describes as structuring and protecting.   When nurturing, it is important not to slide into taking over the problem while providing comfort. When structuring and protecting, it is important to not slide into criticism. As a parent, it is easy to slide into criticism. Sadly, I know I do too often.  Building self esteem though, that requires encouragement, and setting limits.  Let's  set some limits on the toys.  Let's give our kids the message that they have something more to contribute.  As parents, that means struggling to find that line of encouragement versus exasperation. We have to work to encourage our kids to contribute without imposing guilt on every leisure activity  and interest they have. That takes practice, likely we will mess it up.  Fortunately, that old quote comes to mind.  "If at first you don't succeed try try again." We also are, after all, more than what we have become! 

Whining Means You are Winning!

"All's he does is whine."  That is a  common complaint of parents.  You can see why.  The voice tone can really get on your nerves.  If this is you, then I have good and bad news for you; whining means you are winning.  Yes, I know it's not really a win-lose proposition.  It is kind of a win lose proposition, though!  If you have ever talked to  really non compliant kid, you know what I mean.  Instead of whining, that kid will just say no.  They will say it like they mean it.  They say it in a way that makes you think "That's not gonna work."  If you are a parent and you are hearing this, You know what I mean.  You are losing the battle.

Thank goodness for whining.  The children among us that are whining.  They are appealing to you as the parent.  They acknowledge you as the parent.  They just want something, usually attention.  Sometimes they want a treat or a privilege. Sometimes, they want you to change your mind. It doesn't really matter what it is.  First and foremost, congratulate yourself that your kids annoying behavior is a good sign.  Thank goodness!

As far as dealing with whining there are options.  One good option is to count the behavior.  "That's whining, that's one."  Just remember that you don't have to get upset by the behavior.  If they get to three, they get to three.  Accept their choice and give them a time out.  Another option is to observe the whining.  Learn to predict it. Teach your child a more appropriate way to get your attention. For example, instead of whining, just ask in a normal voice.  "I won't listen if you use that nasal tone, please try again."  Another option is to predict that they are going to whine  and give them attention before they get the chance.  Sometimes you have to change the dynamic.  With older kids, assign them to whine in front of their friends.  See if they do?  Probably not.  There are a few other things to try, but these are fairly effective and easy to do.  Just don't let it get to you.  Of course they whine, it's an effective behavior and we can fix that.  Whining? it means they are basically good kids. Whining? it just means you are winning!

Editing

Today spent time correcting my grammar in yesterdays blog.  Thanks to Nicole and Danielle for helping.  All errors are mine.  If something made sense it probably was their corrections.

Make up story

Today is Sunday so instead of a usual blog, I will put in a make up story.  Each child is asked to provide a name or description of the following objects and then I tell a story that fits all the parts.  Sometimes we pass the story around. Anyway, this one was made up after spending some time with Jacob, Nicole, Samantha, Derek and Rachel.

Hero: Rachel 16-year-old girl

Buddies and helpers: 5-year-old Jim Bob, & a codfish,

Nemesis: Randy Wannamaker & Dr. Fred, (perhaps called Doofenschmirz)

Mentor/guide: Howie Mandel the turtle

Magical item: Unicorn

Tool: wrench

Normal Mission: get the codfish to school for Jim Bobs

Special Mission: to be determined

“Rachel” called her mother from downstairs.  Rachel quickly put on her earphones.  “Rachel” called her mother again.  Rachel tried turning her iPod louder but couldn’t block the insistent tone of her mothers voice.  "Get down here for breakfast right now!"  “I’m not hungry,” she tried.  "Rachel get down here this instant!"  Sighing Rachel gave up trying to download music before lessons.  She would have to load the rest of that song later.  "What Mom," She said, draining all three extra syllables out of the word Mom to show her displeasure.  She cut off abruptly when she saw Jim Bob and his mother standing in the doorway.  She must have had that iTunes turned up louder than she thought to have blocked out the sound of the doorbell.

"Mrs. Christensen has a special errand for you," her mother explained.  "She needs to have you take Jim Bob to school.  Jim Bob is showing his codfish for show and tell but could use help getting him there.” “The tank mustn’t be shaken” said Jim Bob very seriously.  Rachel sighed.  She babysat Jim Bob and Mrs. C paid good money … so… the extras come with the job.  “Ok Mrs. C” said Rachel.  Jim Bob beamed and began practicing his explanation of all things codfish. 

Rachel and Jim Bob trudged along with Jim Bob's red wagon in tow.  Rachel thought it was ridiculous that every crack in the sidewalk required a full stop and lift of the wagon.  Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, Randy Wannamaker showed up.  “Hey Rachel, are you brwinging your wagon to school?” He mocked in a little kid voice. Randy mocked everything, but he seemed to revel in making her look bad.  Rachel tried the high road.  “Just ignore him Jim Bob; he can’t help being an idiot.”  Well, sort of the high road, she thought. Randy smirked.  “Hey Jim Bob, are you taking your little sister to school.”  Jim Bob replied. “Rachel is not my sister” Randy laughed, “I was talking about your fish, but I see how you could get confused” Rachel turned bright red.  Jim Bob kicked Randy in the shin.  Randy howled and made a fist.  “I like Rachel,” said Jim Bob, “that’s why I named my fish after her.” Rachel wanted to crawl in the tank with the fish.  They were rescued unexpectedly by the sound of Randy howling.  He had stuck his hand in the tank of another child’s wagon and pulled his hand out with a turtle hanging from his finger. 

“Put Howie Mandel down!” came a commanding voice.  The father of the other youngster was of the impression that Randy was holding on to the turtle instead of the other way around.  Randy pried the turtle loose and took off running with the child in hot pursuit and the father in pursuit of the child.  Rachel was shocked however to see the turtle wink at her.  "Howie Mandel huh? that’s a funny name for a turtle."  She said.  "About as funny as a girl and a fish having the same name," Howie replied.  Rachel and Jim Bob were stunned.  “I didn’t know that turtles could talk,” said Jim Bob. “They can’t” said Rachel.  “Can” said Howie. 

Now listen up.  There is something I have to tell you and I don’t have long before my owner returns and I don’t want him knowing I can talk.  They are sooo boring.  You two are somewhat interesting though.  Here is the scoop.  ‘Show and tell’ at this Kindergarten is in serious trouble.  The principal is going to axe it.  He seems to think that it is a waste of educational time.  “I wouldn’t know” said Rachel, “I’m home schooled.  I’m just helping Jim Bob out.”  “You’re a helper then? That is perfect,” said Howie.  “You can help by traveling to the Chair of Doom and retrieving the Master Sergeants wrench.       Look for help from the Unicorn and the flight of Geese.  Watch out for Randy Wanamaker and his minions.  They are trying to end Show and Tell for everyone.  If I would have taken a bigger bite I think I could have gotten the tip of his finger and he would be at the school nurse instead of interfering.  Uh oh, here are my owners. Talk to you later.” Snap, Howie pulled his head into his shell and didn’t say another word.  Rachel and Jim Bob just looked at each other.

Jim Bob asked “what is this dome...y chair thing?”  "Not dome," said Rachel, "doom."  “Doom means something bad is going to happen?” asked Jim Bob.  “Uh… yes,” said Rachel. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to tell Jim Bob about it.  The story was that if you sat in the chair of doom, you would die within a year.  Her friend Samantha tried it and texted her exactly 1 year later to prove it was false.  Still, Rachel wasn’t sure tempting the fates was a good idea.  Things happened to her that didn’t seem to happen to other people.  A talking turtle, for instance.  Maybe she would just take Jim Bob to school and forget all about it.  I mean, why should I care about the stupid school show and tell anyway, she thought to herself. 

Jim Bob had other ideas, “I’m not going to go to any school that doesn’t have show and tell.  Where do we find this Seat of Doom thing?” He asked stubbornly. Rachel sighed; last time Jim Bob had looked at her like that, he had had a 1 hour and 30 minute temper tantrum over going to bed without a story.   She caved in, “
it’s at the cemetery.”  “I know that place,” said Jim Bob, we feed the ducks.”  He turned and started pulling Rachel the codfish behind him.  Rachel the girl followed reluctantly.

They walked up 4^th street passed Elks park.  Rachel was surprised Jim Bob didn’t want to detour through the park.  He looked at the swings but then squared his tiny shoulders and headed on toward the Duck Park. They marched through the Iron Gates, which opened to a great pond.  The swans were swimming down at the far end behind the great fountain.  Rainbows sprayed across the pond in the morning light.  Before they had time to enjoy it the geese rose in formation and headed straight toward them.  "Watch out," Rachel yelled and tackled Jim Bob behind the park bench before the Geese bomb dived right at his head.  “I thought they were supposed to be helpful, not take my head off” said Jim Bob.  "I think they were warning us," said Rachel, "look!”  A police cruiser had turned down the lane and headed out of the cemetery gates. “Why should we hide from the cops?” asked Jim Bob. "Maybe, cause you and I should be in school?" said Rachel.  "At least that’s what they think."  “Oh," said Jim Bob, "Are we gonna get in trouble?”  Maybe, said Rachel, watching three turtles sticking their tiny heads out of the water.  “Let's go find this ‘Seat of Doom’, I think its up this way,” She pointed to a lane leading through the tombstones. Away from the pond, the stones grew larger and more gray and somehow much more ominous.  Some were shiny black and new but most of them were old.  Some were so worn you couldn’t read the names or dates. “Hey look,” said Jim Bob, “What is that? He pointed a vault the size of a small room with a door on one side. “I don’t know,” said Rachel, "Someone’s tomb I guess." "Hey come look over here," she called moments later. Jim Bob pulled Rachel the Cod fish over to her.

 A large tombstone said Smith on it. On the other side, there was a stone chair facing the back edge of the grave marker. There were three black roses sticking out of the chair.  Jim Bob marched up and plopped down right in it.  Nothing happened.  Rachel pushed him out. “Let me try.” She sat in the chair and looked around.  She didn’t see any wrenches.  Jim Bob walked around the other side and pointed to the writing, "What does that say?" He demanded.  Rachel got up and looked over his shoulder. " It says, he was a Master Sergeant and served on the Gunboat Lexington.”  " So now what?," asked Rachel. "I don’t see any wrenches anywhere."  Jim Bob frowned.  He tugged at the black roses. Suddenly every thing around them became misty. 

A great fog seemed to come out of the tombstone. The fish tank began shaking and water splashed out of the top. “Rachel” cried Jim Bob.  She is not supposed to be shaken.  Rachel the girl, fell as the ground rolled beneath her feet.  Then, it got very quiet. Rachel crawled her way over to the wagon.  Jim Bob was clinging to the fish tank.  “Let me see, Jim Bob” Rachel the girl said firmly.  Jim Bob let go and stepped back.  The water was still swaying back and forth in the tank.  There was still water and Rachel the fish swam nervously in her tank.  “She seems all right” said Rachel.   She stood up and looked around. 

"What’s the deal with all the fog all of the sudden?"  Jim Bob looked up from the fish.  "That is so cool," he said.  He reached out into the fog. "Look, I can’t see my hand!"  He started walking into the smoky mist.  "Ow," he blurted as he ran into something.  He felt his way in a circle, but seemed to run into something all the way around the gravestone. Rachel tried to walk to the outside of the circle and got the same result.  They were surprised by a clopping noise and then the fog seemed to lift as a silvery unicorn stepped into their circle. 

“Pretty cool fog isn’t it?” said the unicorn, pretty much ignoring introductions.  "One of my better fogs, I think.  Though, I’ve been storing up energy for a very cool fog I’m going to use over England later this summer.  It should last a good month.  The wee folk are planning the coolest party and need the extra cover."  "Um, sure ok," said Rachel the girl.  “Listen," said Rachel the fish."Help these two idiots out before they spill all the water out of my tank.  I mean, what’s the point of saving ‘show and tell’ if I die in the process." Jim Bob and Rachel the girl just looked at each other dumbly.  “I think you frightened them," said the unicorn to the fish.  "Oh, yeah and your fog, earthquake mystical entrance thing didn’t shock them at all,”  said Rachel the fish sarcastically. "Right, lets get down too business then,” replied the Unicorn. “Just let me tone down the fog a little.  I think it is getting in their brains."  “Oh, right,” said the fish.  The fog lifted slightly.  “How are you human?” Asked the Unicorn pointing its horn in Jim Bobs general direction .  Jim Bob said, “make my fish talk again.” “Hm…that may be the least relevant factor” said the unicorn.  “Lets just turn that fog down a bit more.” Rachel the girl blurted out “I’m so happy to know that unicorns are real!”  “Clearly that last adjustment helped” commented the unicorn.   “Please listen carefully.  The tombstone has a small compartment in the base.  Just push on the word Lexington and it will open.  In it you will find a wrench.  Take the wrench back to the school and at noon today adjust the clock back 24 hours precisely.  If you do that, we will be able to reset the events of the last 24 hours and ‘Show and tell’ will be saved.  Just watch out for Dr. Fred Doofensmirz.  He will have to return to his imprisonment on the isle of wasted breath. Naturally, he would like to avoid that.   Got it? Great? I gotta go, humans make my weary.  Peace out fish!”  "Peace out unicorn!," said the fish. 

Rachel walked around the front of the tombstone and pushed on the word Lexington.  With a pop, a small door opened at the bottom of the gray slab.  Jim Bob stuck in his meaty little hand and pulled out a very ordinary looking wrench.  “How do we get out of here?" asked Jim Bob.  Rachel didn’t have any idea.  The fish spoke one last time.  “Try pulling on the rose one more time."  Rachel did and the ground began to shake again.  The fog cleared and they were standing once more in the cemetery. The bad news was that a Police Cruiser was headed directly toward them. “Run” said Rachel.  Run they did.  Jim Bob pulled his wagon behind him as fast as he could.  The police cruiser had to wind its way along the paved trails.  Rachel and Jim Bob raced toward a foot gate on the backside of the cemetery.  The police cruiser flashed its lights and sped up.  Water splashed and jostled in the fish tank as Rachel and Jim Bob fled.   Just as the Cruiser made the last turn to come next to the tombstone, Rachel and Jim Bob pulled the wagon through the small gate and headed down the alley toward school.  The police car had to reverse directions and head back to the main gate.

“We lost them,” said Jim Bob proudly! “Not for long” muttered Rachel. "I’ve never seen a policeman try so hard to catch someone out of school before.  Maybe Dr. Doofensmirz knows what we are doing.  Come on, we will never make it to the school on the main streets.  We had better take the river." She headed past the cemetery and down the hill.  Water rushed under the bridge and over a dam.  They pulled the wagon between the giant rocks that marked the parking lot and into the weeds.  They just got out of sight as the police car sped down and over the bridge.  “Are they really chasing us?" asked Jim Bob. “It looks like it," said Rachel the girl.  Rachel the fish said nothing and just lay sickly in what water she had left in the tank.  They stopped at the edge of the river and Rachel crawled out onto a dead branch. She grabbed a discarded can and filled it with the cleanest water she could reach, and poured it into the fish tank.  With the water level back up, Rachel the fish could move about again. 

They made their way over dead logs, through muddy reeds, and up someone’s lawn.  "Hey" said Jim Bob, "I know where we are.  That’s Deer Hill. I go sledding there sometimes.  It’s only a few blocks to the school from here."  "Let’s just rest a moment Jim Bob.  We are gonna have to run to the school because they will still be looking for us." Rachel didn't even look like she was out of breath. “Ok,”said Jim Bob, rubbing his arm. "The wagon is getting heavy."  "Good point," said Rachel. "Why don’t you let me pull it awhile?  Now, when we get to the school we are going to need a diversion.  So start thinking about it because I need to have time to adjust the clock."  "Hmm," said Jim Bob.  "I know what usually gets a lot of attention.  There is an aquarium in the lunchroom."  Rachel nodded while looking at the fish.  “That might do it.  You ready?" "Yep," said Jim Bob.  Rachel pulled the wagon up the last of the hill and they sprinted down Fifth Street.  When they reached Jerome Street, they ran into the alley and ducked behind a row of garages.  The police car came through the alley looking for them but passed by not seeing them when they hid between the garages.  “I used to live in that house," Rachel explained pointing to a house just past the garages.”   “Less talking, more running,” said Jim Bob.  They headed down the last half a block to the school.  "OK, you go in first," said Rachel. Jim Bob took the wagon and pulled it up the handicapped access.  He pushed the button and was in the door.  Rachel waited.  She didn’t see Dr Doofenschmirz come up behind her.  "What is your name little girl?  She jumped.  “Um, I don’t go here,” she said.  “HMMPH” said Dr Doofenshmirz, “another delinquent student. Lets go have a talk with your parents.”  He grabbed her arm and dragged her into the school.  Just then, there was a scream from the office.  “HE'S EATING ALL THE FISH!”   A small girl cried pointing at the office fish tank where Rachel the codfish was devouring everything in sight. Randy Wannamaker had his face pressed against the glass in fascination.  All the  kindergartners left the lunch line and raced over to see.  Rachel managed to slip out of Dr. Doofenschmirz's hand and into his office while he  chased the kindergartners back into their line.  Rachel heard Jim Bob laughing. He had slipped into the principal's office.  "There’s the main clock," he said.  It was on the wall above the principal’s desk.  Rachel got up on the desk and pried of the cover.  “Get down off my desk right now!” ordered Dr. Doofenschmirz. “Too late,” said Rachel, stuck the wrench into the clock, and started turning.  Dr Doofenshmirz rushed toward her and tripped over a conveniently place red wagon.  Rachel kept turning the clock until the date flipped back 1 day.  At first, it seemed nothing happened. Then they heard Dr. Doofenshmirz cry “NOooo” and disappeared into a gray mist that rose from underneath his desk. Rachel and Jim Bob smiled as they disappeared into the fog.

The next day, Rachel was downloading music when her mother called her.  She raced downstairs and saw Jim Bob and Mrs Christensen at the door. “Let me guess” said Rachel. "You want me to help Jim Bob take his pet codfish to school." Her mother looked at her, ":how on earth did you know that?  Jim Bob smiled at her and Rachel the girl could’ve sworn she saw Rachel the fish wink. 

Egg Timers, Barbies and Chatterboxes

I want to tell you about the time my daughter taught me to really believe in doing time outs, the right way!

I don't remember why she was in time out.  It wasn't anything earth shattering.  All she had to do was sit in the chair and wait for the egg timer to ring.  I think she was four years old, so it would have been 4 minutes.  Instead it was a half an hour of her crying in her room. That is the point where I started to think those normal parent worries,  "It's not working? why hasn't she calmed down? am I exasperating her?, will it hurt her?"

Oh yes! The parenting "Chatterbox" was working overtime.  The chatterbox is the storehouse of  negative experiences and provides a stream of negative energy and thoughts that you generate when you are worried. (roughly borrowed from Susan Jeffers, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/index.cfm, Random House Publishing, 2006 )  If you don't keep it in check it runs over every rational thought and takes over.

My chatterbox was in rare form that day.  But one rational thought sneaked through. "She really shouldn't be this upset over a time out"  So I sneaked up stairs and poked my head around the corner.  There she was, on her bed moaning like she was dying...while she played with her Barbies on the bed.  

Not everybody likes the idea of time outs!  Some people really react negatively if you talk about counting to 3. You can see why.  What usually happens is usually a diatribe in the middle of the counting.

                          "Billy, Stop that!" (Billy is a made up name for our purposes)

                           "Billy, I said stop it!" 

                           "Billy, Don't make me count you!" 

                            Fine, Billy that's One.

This is not what Thomas Phelan, {the author of "1, 2, 3, Magic"  (see him at   http://youtu.be/ihHl3oscy7Y,} had in mind.  "Too much talk" is one of the reasons time outs and counting don't work.  The other reason is too much emotion.   Both result in the parent owning the problem instead of the child.  Normal parental anxiety interferes with effective follow through.  If you are worried that the time outs will take too long, don't. With Phelan's method the time out is only 1 min per year (childs age)....from the time the child accepts the time out!  That's the part that is hard to get your head around.  Because kids can temper tantrum for an hour and occasionally will.  Trust me, I know!   

Summer Free Fun Part II

Today, I have been updating the list of games so far and adding links to instructions on how to play.  Thank you to everyone who has given me games so far.  Please keep sending them.  Some of the sites are great resources. Pinterest is very good as is Momtastic and the Ultimate Camp Resource. See below!

Nearly Free List:
Animal Rescue League	http://arl-iowa.org/
Badminton	http://www.badminton.org/badminton-rules.html
Balance the bean bag dance contest	http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/beanbag_games.htm
Beach Party at home	http://www.momtastic.com/home-and-living/entertaining/104451-make-a-beach-party-at-home
Bike Races
Bike Ride
Bike Trail
Bocce Ball	http://bocceballrules.net/
Body rolling down a hill
Bubble blowing/wands	http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/bubble_recipe.htm
Build a kite
Build a model car or airplane
Build cardboard fort
Capture the flag	http://www.ehow.com/how_311_play-capture-flag.html
Catch Frogs
Conkers (its a British game)	http://www.ecenglish.com/learnenglish/lessons/how-play-conkers
Craft book activities	http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/kids_crafts.htm
Croquette
Don't break the ice with Watermelons
Draw a logo contest
Duck Duck Goose
Face Painting	http://painting.about.com/od/faceandbodypainting/a/Face_Painting.htm
Finger painting	http://familyfun.go.com/crafts/homemade-finger-paints-667505/
Fishing
Flag football
Frisbee catch
Frisbee golf
Frog Catching
Frog Racing
Geo Caching
Go to Local Conservation Center (In 50158 Grimes Farm)	http://www.grimesfarm.com/ http://www.nrcs.usda.gov/wps/portal/nrcs/main/national/home
Home made ice cream
Horse Shoes
Ice Cream Cones
Kick ball
Library
Mafia (Wink em)	http://www.ultimatecampresource.com/site/camp-activity/wink-em.html
Make Tie Dye tee shirts	http://familycrafts.about.com/cs/tiedye/a/041601a.htm
Make up story telling
Make your own Pinata	http://www.homemadesimple.com/en-us/crafts/pages/make-your-own-pinata.aspx
Make your own Puppets	http://familyfun.go.com/crafts/crafts-by-type/dolls-toys/puppet-crafts/
Making Gorp
Making No Bake Cookies	http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2009/06/30/no-bake-chocolate-peanut-butter-oatmeal-cookies/
Marbles
Miniature Golf
Night hike
Origami	http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/origami_for_kids.htm
Person Wheelbarrow Races
Pogo Stick	http://www.ehow.com/how_10027583_make-pogo-stick.html
Popsicle Castles	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8PZAoilC5A
Potato Sack Races
Puddle Stomping
Red Rover	http://www.grandparents.com/gp/content/activitiesandevents/games/article/red-rover.html
Sand castle building
Sardines
Scavenger Hunt
Secret signal Game
Silly Songs	http://www.ultimatecampresource.com/site/camp-activities/silly-camp-songs.page-3.html
Snake in the Grass Game	http://www.greatgroupgames.com/snake-in-the-grass.htm
Squirt gun battle
Ten flags (capture the flags, smaller area… more flags)
Toss Across (a very buildable game)
Ultimate Frisbee
Video scavenger hunt
Water balloon fight

Knee High by the Fourth of July...Fun or Trouble?

Ah, Summer Time! Always in capital letters!  Nearly every school kid dreams about those words, as do the  teachers.   For me it was the idea of riding my bicycle down to the river or dam, playing baseball and watching TV.  For my parents on the other hand, it seemed to mean cleaning the garage, my bedroom, painting fences and barns, and weeding the garden.  I don't know how they got such an awful picture of what summer was supposed to be.  They even put band lessons in.   My kids seem to have a picture of summer that involves lots of PlayStation 3 and Netflix and sleeping in.  As a parent, I can think of all kinds of chores to get my kids to do! Yes, thank you there is a garden to tend.

So how do you balance it all?  I guarantee this;  If you don't have some structure for your kids, don't worry about the corn being knee high by the Fourth of July, the trouble will be.  Even the best kids will get into some sticky situation.  So how and what to fit in? I think its about setting expectations.

At our house, we have a list of tasks that need to be completed before TV or Video. They can each do a  1/2 hour of piano and band and a chore.  Also, we set an expectations that they spend some time being outside.  That may include swim time at the public pool or playing ball with a friend.  Each meal they can contribute something whether it is  clearing or setting the table.  Do their own dishes.  When they were younger they were supervised by a teenage nanny (you may not want to call them a babysitter!). We also had a list of fun activities that we/they chose from.  Each week each child got a day that they picked the activity for everyone.  Everything from going 'geocaching' to 'capture the flag'. As parents you have to put in some time helping them think of a few ideas.  There were two lists, the money list  for a family day with everyone and then the free activities list for regular everyday.  Here's some ideas.  Get the kids started and keep updating it every week. Please write in with your suggestions.

Nearly Free List:

Animal Rescue League
Badminton
Balance the bean bag dancing
Beach Party at home
Bike Races
Bike Ride
Bike Trail
Bocce Ball
Body rolling down a hill
Bubble blowing
Build a kite
Build a model car or airplane
Build Card board fort
Capture the flag
Catch Frogs
Conkers (its a British game)
Craft book activities
Croquette
Don't break the ice with Watermelons
Draw a logo contest
Duck Duck Goose
Face Painting
Finger painting
Fishing
Flag football
Frisbee catch
Frisbee golf
Frog Catching
Frog Racing
Geo Caching
Go to Local Conservation Center (In 50158 Grimes Farm)
Home made ice cream
Hopscotch
Horse Shoes
Hot Potato
Ice Cream Cones
Jump Rope
Kick ball
Library
Mafia
Make Tie Dye tee shirts
Make up story telling
Make your own Pinata
Make your own Puppets
Making Gorp
Making No Bake Cookies
Marble
Miniature Golf (Homemade Course)
Musical chairs
Night hike
Person Wheelbarrow Races
Pogo Stick
Popsicle Castles
Potato Sack Races
Puddle Stomping
Red Rover
Running Races
Sand castle building
Sardines
Scavenger Hunt
Secret signal Game
Shadow Tag
Sidewalk Chalk
Sock Tag
Snake in the grass tag
Sprinkler tag
Squirt gun battle
Tennis
Ten Flags (aka capture the flag in smaller area and have to capture 10 instead of 1)
Toss Across (a very build-able game)
Ultimate Frisbee
Video scavenger hunt
Water balloon fight

Money List:
Adventure land
Apple-berry Farm
Arcade
Beach
Bookstore
County and State Fairs
Go Carts
Go to Corn Maze
Miniature Golf
Pool
Shopping